ARE YOU GOING TO BE THE SAME PERSON?

As I've mentioned before, I am seeing a psychologist throughout this whole situation. The other day, he posed a question of how I feel I will change after weight loss surgery. I told him I'm pretty sure I'll be the same, just healthier. Which I quickly followed up with, "but one can never be sure what they will be like after an influencial experience has happened". He agreed. 

What he was trying to discuss was that I very much identify as "fat". I've told him this before, not like he's making some sort of assumption. When you think of your physical identity, what words come to mind? For me, fat (interchangeably with big) has come to mind as long as I can remember.

Strangely enough, growing up in suburbia allowed me to cast aside my Blackness. There weren't many of us, and maybe it was under the unjudging cloak of childhood, but my classmates never mentioned race...even after those awkward classroom discussions about slavery. My parents raised me in the burbs because they worked to make it out of their neighborhoods. I went to church in a black neighborhood. I have family in black neighborhoods. But my house, school, extracurriculars, and friends were in the burbs. Even if I was at the MLK Jr Day parade in a dashiki, my "accent" wasn't fooling anybody. 100% SUBURBAN. 

Niki be like...

As far as my gender presentation, I wasn't into pink and I wasn't into dresses. I often worse Air Jordans with the dresses my mother forced me into. I was into reading and learning, basketball, dance, Girl Scouts, music, drawing, and coloring. In my home, developing interests was not defined by one's biological sex. I suppose I never felt overly feminine as a kid, but for the most part, I really wasn't overtly girly. I think to be treated "girly" is to be treated dainty and small, and I've never been either of those things. 

As an adult, I'm learning to navigate what it means to identify as queer in terms of both my sexuality, a community member, and in terms of my personal appearance/aesthetic. We don't have to get into the politics of that term here, but just know I don't use or view that word as a derogatory term.  Also, not to say that queer people look a certain way, but I will say I see my fair share of asymmetrical and/or unruly hair cuts, piercings, tattoos, and impeccable/indifferent to trendiness clothing style! 😘

Only two identifiers that I've held closely remain: tall and fat.  Yes, I'm tall. I'm tall as hell. I only know that because I have to interact with short people in the world who feel the need to tell me how tall I am. I was taller than my first grade teacher. I grew taller than my mom in 5th grade. And as of this past Christmas, I have surpassed my dad in height. I use the motto "6'1 and chubby fun" for myself a lot. But what happens when the second part of that statement is potentially no longer relevant? 

Big Nik, one of many nicknames I've had in my life, isn't only a nickname. My stature IS who I am. Yes, I'll still be TALL Niki. But, personally, I find there's a warm, friendly, fun-filled expectation to being an overweight person. Maybe it's that I feel safe. I don't know. Right now, one of the many things swimming around my head is what it will be like for this physical identifier to potentially be gone forever.

I like to be seen. I like to stick out. I used to despise walking through a crowded room. I hate being called "intimidating". I don't like that everyone assumes that I can/will beat people up. But, I do love when people SEE me. Not just a big, tall, black woman, but a unique person who fills just as much of the space she takes up with life, love, and friendships. 

So, if that's gone...how's it gonna be? 

I don't know Third Eye Blind guy... I don't know. 

Header image courtesy of spicysteweddemon.