Losses and Gains - Shit Still Stanks
Changing the negative aspects of myself doesn't mean that the world around me is going to be in a state of constant positivity. It helps, to focus on positivity and change; but it does not block out all the utter bullshit.
Balancing dieting, working out, mentally preparing for surgery, some personal stuff that popped up from my past, my job, trying to start a side hussle job, and being just short of destitute between student loans but trying to afford living in Chicago on my own is not easy. And I can't bring myself to be emotional about it, even though the slightest ounce of something stressful is starting to make me feel like I'm going to scream. I'm trying really hard to be super positive and mellow, but I'm feeling a bit like this.
My therapist said I need to learn to feel my emotions more without feeling responsible for the bad things that happen in my life. But, if I create my own destiny and positive thoughts lead to positive outcomes, am I not responsible for the shit storm that is stinking up my life? Normally in this situation, I would eat something, smoke something, drink something, some other things that my mother would not appreciate me listing on the internet, but I can't. Now, I've worked far too hard to fly off the rails with my previous coping mechanisms. All I want to do is go to the gym and push myself because I'm a masochist...or throw something. Just kidding! I'm too poor to throw things.
I guess Andre 3000 was right (Andre 3000 is always right), roses really smell like boo boo.
But, in keeping with trying to stay positive, I will end this post with something uplifting.
Gains: I am starting to have a waist and my FUPA is deflating! And wigs are fabulous. Everyone should wear a wig at least once. Adios FUPA.
Header photo courtesy of A National Acrobat.
