Six...days
SIX REASONS I'M GOING TO MISS BEING FAT
1. Have you ever cuddled me?
I'm THE BEST cuddler. All this softness. I'm like a cuddle cloud. Am I going to be all hard and sharp now?
2. The Truffle Shuffle
Must be jelly cuz jam don't shake! Only a privileged few have gotten to see me lift up my shirt and play with my belly, but when I do, it is glorious.
3. Bitch, I'm from Chicago!
I'm going to miss that insulation. I feel like I'm going to need to wear at least four coats now. I'm always cold as it is. This is going to be terrible. Sorry, Rose. I'm frozen.
4. ID, please?
Fat people have chubby faces, which give you a youthful appearance. I like being carded. I want to be carded forever. I better still be able to serve face, hunty!
5. Pizza
My obsession with pizza started when my mom and I used to have Friday night pizza parties. We would order pizza, lay a blanket on the living room floor and watch the T.G.I.F lineup. In my college years through...a few months ago, I used to sit down with a medium (sometimes large) pizza and just kill it. I would devour it with such dedication and finesse. Gone are the days of gorging myself on pizza. I will be able to have pizza again, but it won't be like the old days. Rewind: if you don't know what the T.G.I.F lineup was...be older.
6. Fat people are funny
It is a stereotype that fat people are funny. Chris Farley...funny. Roseanne...contextually funny. Melissa McCarthy...bad movie choices, still funny. Horatio Sanz...one of the most underrated SNL cast members (even though he's skinny now). I still want to be funny! Will I be unfunny now?!?
Header photo courtesy of Zimbio
