oneirataxia
After spending 10 months focusing so intensely on my body. I'm starting to look at the other aspects of life. I've been thinking about fulfillment lately. As a child, I always defined myself through acheivements, mainly educational attainment, and through having an active social life. Recently, I've questioned whether I need a change of work, a difference in location, or a special someone in my life as a means of finding more happiness.
I don't really want to go back to school again. I would...but it's not something I REALLY want to do right now. Mainly because my student loan debt is already astronomical and I'm good on adding to the debt.
I'm apprehensive to begin yet another creative endeavor. Like many artists, the constant comparsion of self to other artists is not a competition I want to deal with right now. I also struggle with feeling inauthentic with creative goals...and I hate that. I know appropriation and stylistic influence is expected, but feeling like I'm being derivative is not awesome.
I love Chicago. I LOVE Chicago. This was not the city of my birth, this is the city of my choosing and I sometimes think that means more. The idea of leaving my neighborhood and the people I know in Chicago fills me with sadness. Unless it was winter, I'd bounce out of here with relative ease.
But, I am struggling with feeling stagnant in my day to day schedule. Here's what's going on:
I have been blessed with a ridiculous amount of luck this summer and been able to attend music festivals for free.99. I have thoroughly enjoyed myself. However, in going to these festivals and feeling all the amazing feels, I've started to question why I can't seem to find that same passion in my professional and personal life. As soon as I pass through the exit gates, I instantly feel like I won't be that happy again until I'm around live music and I'm left with a need to have that experience again, or a longing to have shared that experience with someone on a deeper level than friendship.
I've always said that I don't want to be defined by my job or my partner. I can't stand people that have nothing to talk about other than their work. I am equally irritated by people who think that they are no longer an independently breathing being whenever they are in a relationship. However, lately, I've had an aching in my bones for some sort of spark in at least one of those areas. I want to be passionate about my job! People act like that's a strange thing to request in life. Equally, I'd like to feel invigorated, not drained, by the idea of getting to know someone for the purposes of dating.
I've always felt like a genuine relationship is built on having someone ask you how your day is/was...and caring about it. I don't really have anyone who asks me "how are you feeling?" with any sort of regularity. I get "what's going on this weekend?", which is fun, but my social life isn't REAL. It's Fantasy Land. It's Fantasy Land that I enjoy, but the bar scene is a farce. This should not be a point of enlightenment for anyone. We're not actual friends until we've had a conversation while there wasn't someone twerking to booty bass less than five feet away. I would like to build a connection with someone that is both social and romantic, full of respect, and mutually felt. I can honestly admit that I don't know that I've ever experienced this. I'm getting beyond anxious that I never will, yet I'm petrified at the idea of trying.
I want to do a job that involves using my brain cells to do logical reasoning while enjoying the work and being rewarded with a paycheck that allows me to invest a sizeable portion into savings, not the rent/bills/student loans/groceries/one weekend of fun and broke game I've been playing for years. I can't have it all, but if I could interact with other humans, teach something, create something, better myself, or some other altruistic act while doing my work, well...that would be appreciated. I think the human interaction is the crucially important part. My current position is great in that I can listen to music anytime other than when I have to make a phone call, but I am such an extrovert. I get so excited at the idea of public speaking (especially in large groups). If you've ever seen someone really passionate about words and masterful in their communication skills, it's really incredible. In the words of the incomparable Liz Lemon, I want to go to there!
I suppose this all stems from the fact that I always had a project that I could have been working on. I was always able to blame being overweight for everything. I was single because I was overweight. I was rejected from job interviews because I was overweight. I was defining myself through my weight. I'm still overweight, but it's not something that for lack of better words is, all-consuming, now. I know I can't make someone fall in love with me like some sort of project. I know I can apply and get a job that pays more, but I'd still feel no joy for. So, I want to work on how to find the really fulfilling stuff.
These feelings have been a constant presence for about a month. And for some reason, the only way these issues and emotions have chosen to surface is through my eyeballs and out as tears. So, if you see me and I look like I just finished crying, I did...including during the Savages set at Pitchfork Festival, and during a commercial with a cat in it, and sitting at my desk at work, and...and...and...
I've had so many people tell me that they are genuinely proud of me lately. I appreciate it so much. I truly do. And I am proud of myself. But for some reason, until I find some career that makes me fall in love with it - or - some person who makes me not only fall in love with them so much I'm beyond the terror, but shows that love in return...I'm going to feel like I have work to do.
And right now, I'm just floating. I don't like floating. I like an upward ascension. But, then again, so did Icarus...and Gatsby.
