Losses and Gains - Friendships
I'm a few days away from finding out my surgery date and I'm super excited/nervous. One thing I am not, is stressed. I've had a lot on my plate for the last several weeks. Work, personal life, side projects surrounding work, gym time, and you know, breathing. But I've been sure to spend a good amount of time relaxing.
The one thing I'm finding difficult is that in trying to be relaxed, I've acquired a great deal of social anxiety. From an early age, I was involved, in everything. Basketball, Girl Scouts, orchestra, band, piano lessons, choir, student council, year book staff... You name it, I did it. From day care through grad school, I was rarely alone and I LOVED it! I love interacting with people and juggling a ton of activities.
Recently, I've noticed that being around people fills me with tension. Since I've started this journey, working to stay mentally positive has been as much of a goal as eating better and working out. For some reason, being around people has started to mask positive vibes. Maybe it's because the last several years of my life have been soaked in booze with a cloudy side of cigarettes. Maybe as my social crutches are diminishing, so is my tolerance for people I don't know.
I'm not writing this to be like "People suck! Stay away from me". I'm writing because it a foreign and perplexing feeling. I'm still all about one-on-one hangs, small gatherings, and even concerts and events. I guess bars are just too much right now. The whole roller coaster of dressing to impress (which I try to do daily), doing makeup, trying to find a cutie to mack on, the exhausting nature of macking on said cutie, worrying if your room is clean enough to bring the cutie home for some cuds, dodging the person the cutie is currently semi-dating,...it's ALL TOO MUCH! I just want to stay home and watch James St. James' Transformations on repeat.
I need to practice being more zen and just tuning the noise out but still going out to get turnt with my frans. Kids are still doing that these days, right? We're still turnin' up?
So, losses: tolerance for bullshit in my social settings. Gains: COLLARBONES*, BITCH!
*Not my collarbones...obvs.
